Before I had Mads I was confused about babies nappies.
I used to sit over dinner with friends who had children and wonder how on earth they could speak about poo for an entire three courses? Surely they had better things to talk about than the consistency/colour/smell of their little darlings nappy?
I wasn't going to be one of 'these' Mum's. I would still have interlectual conversations, or at the very least talk about anything other than my baby's bowel habits.
Fast forward to the present....
What is my favourite topic of conversation over a coffee and cake (lots of cake) with friends?
Poo of course.
It's almost like we try to outdo each other. In all other aspects our little bubba's are brilliant and we all have the best behaved one or the most advanced one.
'My baby sleeps from 11 until 7.'
'Oh well mine sleeps from 10 until 10.'
'Little Ben picked up his rattle today.'
'Oh well Little Bobby picked up his rattle, held it in his hand and managed to shake out the tune to the National Anthem.'
But when it comes to poo, everything else pales in comparison.
When it comes to poo, we all have the worst stories ever, each one of us tries to claim the prize for the most horrific toilet nightmare.
And I think I am up there with one of the worst.
Mad's and I were sitting having a coffee with a friend of mine from work a couple of weeks ago. All was fine and well and Maddie was bouncing up and down on me knee. It was time for my friend to go back to work as she had finished her lunch hour. As she stood up, I felt the first tremor.
I had a delayed reaction, I knew it was coming but I was frozen to the spot.
Then came the eruption. And with it something warm on the leg of my new skinny jeans. I put my hand down to feel what was going on and without going into much detail, it came back up with a lot of fresh, warm baby business on it.
I let out a scream. In the haste to stand up, it all started dripping everywhere, and I realised that this was not your usual contender. We were dealing with a whole new breed of terror.
People were now beginning to stare as I contemplated what on earth to do.
My friend grabbed Mads and put her in her pram on about one hundred Costa Coffee Napkins in order to not get my shiny, pink Quinny Buzz in a state.
By this time Mads realised that a scene was happening and started screaming.
My friend had to leave as she was really late back to work and I was left to face the horror alone. (Should I say ex friend.)
I looked in my bag and typically this was the one day I didn't have a change of clothes or even some wipes. (What kind of mother doesn't have wipes in her Yummy Mummy bag?!)
So me and the poo monster had to rush to Mothercare with me still covered in the substance.
We got there and had to buy an outfit (any excuse eh?) and some wipes. I handed over my card and realised that to my horror I had it all under my fingernails and congealed in between my wedding ring's.
The sales assistant didn't say anything. I think she saw the look of fear on my face.
We practically sprinted to the changing room and set about the difficult task of cleaning everything up. It was everywhere. We had to clean the pram, my jeans, my wedding ring, practically the whole of Mads and everything else in between.
I heard a knock on the door and a voice saying 'What are you doing in there, are you going to be long?' (No I am honestly not making this up.)
We unlocked the door and walked out sheepishly. Without a word of a lie there were three (experienced) mothers waiting with their children to use the room. One had even resorted to changing her little boy on the floor.
I then had to do the walk of shame past them all to exit the shop.
All in all a horrendous experience.
So the next time we sit there over a coffee and cake and discuss terrifying nappy's, I know for once my baby will most definitely be the best.